Do you have an "Elf on the Shelf"? Do you create elaborate scenes involving this Elf? Do you purchase only gifts that your children can wear, need, want or read? Do you use Santa as incentive for your children to behave?
So what's "right"?

'Tis the season for everyone to give you their opinion. After reading several blogs on the above topics, I felt compelled to write this blog. Last night, I read a blog outlining why Elf on the Shelf is a waste of time and way too much effort to add to the already busy schedule of a Mother. This blog described searching Pinterest for elaborate scene ideas, but did not mention the option to simply move the Elf from one spot to the next. I find that many of these blogs and articles have a judgmental undertone, and it bothers me. They may not come out and say that if you choose the opposite of what they suggest, you are wrong, but it is implied. They seem to be long rebuttals to some one sided debate. Well, you are in luck, I am here to tell you what to do....

Please do what you decide is best for you and your family!

Ignore these blogs and their judgmental overtones. Does it bring you and your children joy when you set up elaborate scenes for your Elf? Then do it! Do you despise that Elf and the idea of him "watching" your kids? Don't get one! Do you want your children to get 5 gifts? Then give them 5 gifts. Do you want a Christmas tree surrounded by many gifts? Then do it! 

Every family is different, every child is different, and everyone has different means to make things happen. Please know that if you do what you think is best, and you do what you are able to do, it is okay, and it is enough. Our kids need our love and attention more than they need anything else. During this holiday season, try to be present. Try to teach your kids to be present and enjoy each moment as it comes. Kids only get to be kids once, and although the season is still enjoyable as an adult, the magic seems to dwindle each year you get older. Hold on to these fleeting moments! 

I love Thanksgiving. I got married the day after Thanksgiving, and my rehearsal dinner was a big family-style Thanksgiving dinner. I love the fall, with the beautiful gold, orange, amber leaves, and the chill, crisp air. I know Halloween gets a lot of attention and Thanksgiving can sometimes get rushed through, as we approach Christmas. I have already seen Christmas decorations, and I wonder if Thanksgiving is getting left out.

We live in a fast paced world. We rush through each day, trying to complete our long list of tasks, and as each day passes, they tend to blend into one another. Some weeks, I am shocked to find it is already Thursday or Friday and the workweek is winding down. In those moments, I reflect on how time is precious and fleeting. I remind myself to slow down, to enjoy each moment as it comes, to stay present. Eckhart Tolle said, "Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have". It is so important that we slow down and realize this.

This brings me to Thanksgiving. Many of us get the day off, and we are encouraged to sit down with our families, near and far, and have a meal together. It's a simple act, but so needed in this fast paced world. In our family, we celebrate and pay our respects to Native Americans, whose kindness harmed them deeply. We also take the time to slow down and express gratitude. Something so simple, can be extremely filling. I encourage everyone to slow down, enjoy this dinner with your family, encourage everyone to share their gratitude, and be fully present in the moment. If this means not cooking everything from scratch so you can enjoy your family, then get some dishes from your favorite restaurant or store. Worry about the dishes later, focus on your family. Whatever stands in your way from fully connecting and being present, find a way to eliminate it. Go around the table and express your gratitude for each other and our lives. We know how fleeting joy can be, hold on to it. One year we created a gratitude board and we each added what we were grateful for and posted it on the board, that we displayed prominently over dinner.

So, I leave you with this, please do not rush through Thanksgiving on your way to Christmas. Enjoy them both. Enjoy the magic that the holidays bring, and lean into your gratitude. Carry it with you throughout the year. Here is what I am grateful for this year: 

I am grateful for being able to do what I love. To belong to a practice that I am proud of, full of supportive women who want me to win. To have an amazing, resilient Husband, and two handsome and rowdy boys. I am grateful for my family, who always has my back. I am grateful for my Mother, who taught me how to love unconditionally, fight fiercely, and be strong. I am grateful for our beautiful home and amazing neighbors. Honestly, I could go on and on, but you get the idea! 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

I just had an interesting discussion that lead me to write this latest blog post. A person I love and adore shared that her co-worker felt comfortable enough with her to share that he only accepts truths that directly affect him. She met him with no judgement and shared that a lot of people feel/think that way. I shared my curiosity about his plans to address this now that he has this insight, and a short debate ensued. Basically the debate boiled down to the concept that looking outside ourselves may be a personal priority of mine, but that I cannot assume it is a priority to others, nor should I impose my personal priorities onto anyone else.

As a therapist, I work really hard to NOT impose my beliefs onto others. I understand that what is good for me may not be good for someone else. My ultimate goal is to help my clients understand what works for THEM. I check my ego and my beliefs at the door. So being challenged to think about whether looking outside ourselves is a personal belief versus a universal truth, got me thinking. 

Gaining the ability to look outside of ourselves and our circumstances feels like it should be something that we ALL strive for. To me, it feels like something that is applicable universally. We have the choice to stay within our narrow view of the world or explore the immense beauty that surrounds us. That narrow view feels so limited and restrictive. It's like choosing to live in jail cell, when you have the option to be free. Why would you want to limit yourself? Why wouldn't I want to help people break free of that jail cell? I just don't see it as a personal priority, I see it as a necessity to move to a more enlightened state as a people. If we stay looking inward, I just don't see how we can collectively move forward. It's this thought process that leads me to encourage everyone to look outside themselves.

I do not want to live in a world full of people locked in. I want us all learning, listening, and understanding. When the majority of people do this, that is when we'll see real change in this world. I also believe that the majority of us are capable of looking outside ourselves, as long as there is not a personality/mood disorder or other impairment that directly affects this ability. 

So, what do you think? Am I right to encourage this or am I imposing my personal views on others?

Let's talk gratitude. When times are good, gratitude comes easy. The only thing you need to look out for in good times, is remembering not to take anything for granted, but outside of that, let the good times roll! Right? But what happens when things are not going so good? What happens when you have lost your job? What happens when you are struggling financially? What happens when there is so much pain, your vision is blurry with tears? How do you find gratitude? How do you express it? This is where the challenge lies. When one bad thing after another hits, and you are left feeling alone and forgotten, how can you possibly be grateful for anything? I know what that feels like. I know what it is like to feel like nothing is going right. In my darkest night, something strange happened. I found myself in tears, overwhelming, nonstop tears. The surprise here was that those tears stemmed from an overwhelming sense of gratitude. It caught me by surprise. How was I feeling this much gratitude during the worst time of my life?

Dark times, pain, and suffering show us who we really are, and they help us identify what is important in our lives. Darkness pulls out the light. Darkness makes the light stand out, like a lighthouse in the middle of the night. Seeing the light, being drawn to the light to escape the dark, shows you what is really important, what really matters, and you find things to be grateful for. During my darkest times, I took respite in the light. I basked in its glow and it gave me the fuel I needed to trudge through the dark again. That's what gratitude can do. It can replenish you when are feeling low. It can change your perspective. It can turn you towards the light, and that is why it so important. 

So, I leave you with this. Please look for the light in your dark times. The light may be hard to find and it may be faint, but please keep looking, because finding the light is that important. Finding the light can be just the thing that gets you through the darkness. 

This quote was shared on a group that I belong to on Facebook: 

"What would happen if you decided to let God break you to the point that He would rebuild you into something so outstanding, so beautiful, so incredible, that you wouldn't even recognize what He remade you to be, because He is that good of a God... Would you say yes? I'm trying to say yes. God help me say yes. "

This quote stirred something inside me. I have often seen people refer to God's favor, and how blessed they are to have it. They show their beautiful lives, with everything going right, and revel at how God favors them. It's almost as though they have the bright sun shinning on them at all times. As I sit in what feels like a storm, getting drenched and cold, it has often left me wondering why I do not seem to have this "favor" that these people describe. This quote gave me some insight. Could it be that God is working on me, and rebuilding me? Could being broken, often feeling shattered into pieces, also mean that I have the opportunity to be put back together, stronger and better? 

Sometimes when you are sitting in the cold and the rain, feeling chilled to the bone, it is easy to resent those sitting in the sun. It is also easy to feel forgotten by God, or tossed aside. I have had fleeting moments where I felt like the forgotten. My life is hard and there is no relief in sight. It is a sad reality. I grieve the loss of our "old life" daily. I often feel robbed of the life we were suppose to have. Sometimes it is unbearable.

In those times, I work really hard to lean into gratitude. I remind myself of all the times I have been strong when I really should have been broken. I think of all the people who have appeared in my life at the exact moment that I have needed someone or something. I look around at the life we have built, against all odds, and I am awestruck. Everything I have been through, all of the storms, have molded and shaped into a person that I am extremely proud to be.

So as it turns out, God has not forgotten me or tossed me to the side. My version of favor isn't sunshine and everything going right. My version of favor, is God taking the thing that was designed to break me and using it for my greater good. So, to answer the quote above, I say YES! 

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post that outlined all of the "superpowers" I obtained after experiencing hard times. Today, I would like to focus on one of those superpowers, resilience. I think everyone has heard of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but have you heard of post-traumatic growth (PTG)? I heard about it during grad school, and my ears immediately perked up. I did not know that what I experienced, that I thought was singular and unique, was a studied phenomenon. Post-traumatic growth is a theory that explains the transformation that sometimes takes place following a trauma. Psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD developed PTG in the mid-1990s. The idea is that people who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterward.

I became more resilient as a direct result of the pain I endured. This illustrates PTG. PTG occurs when someone has difficulty bouncing back after a traumatic event. The event challenges their core beliefs, they may even endure a psychological struggle (like post-traumatic stress disorder), and then ultimately find a sense of personal growth. It is not an easy process. Trauma has a way of rocking you to your core. It forces you to assess your core beliefs, and in many times, it forces you to challenge them, but through that struggle, some find tremendous growth. I know I did. I am not the same person I was six years ago.  

I view the world very differently. I describe it as having blinders up my whole life, and when trauma hit, suddenly the blinders disappeared. I realized that my view of the world was extremely limited. I wanted to know more about this new view of the world, and I started working on myself to help explore it. This is probably the biggest reason, I decided to do the work required to become a therapist. It is very difficult to see the world this clearly, and not want to do your part to improve it.  While I may not know the source of someone's their pain, I recognize it, and I meet them with kindness and grace. I began to see that bad things happen to good people all the time. Prior to my family's personal trauma, I had not been closely affected by a traumatic event. I would read about sad stories and shake my head feeling pity for those affected. Once my family became the sad story in the paper, I realized that feeling sorry for someone was the absolute worst thing you could do. As my vision of the world changed, so did I. I responded to people differently, I understood things on a different level, and I felt a deeper connection to those around me. 

PTG can be illustrated in five areas:

1. Appreciation of life
   
2. Relationships with others
   
3. New possibilities in life
   
4. Personal strength
   
5. Spiritual change
   

​
Personally, I have seen all five areas grow and change. While I am still not at a place in my life to say that the trauma was worth the growth, I can recognize the beauty that came from broken places. Who knows, maybe one day I will say it was worth it, but it is certainly a work in progress. I would encourage everyone who has experienced a trauma to be open to the possibility that beauty may find a way to color your trauma in a very unexpected way. 

Let's face it, who wants to be uncomfortable? In an ideal world, we would never have to deal with pain, loss, frustration, doubt, fear, or any of those other unpleasant emotions. Sadly, the world we live in is not perfect. It is full of obstacles, and all of us unfortunately must feel unpleasant emotions from time to time. What I know about discomfort, is that it is a part of life. I know there have been times in my life that I wanted the discomfort to end. I wanted to go to my happy place, plug my ears, and bear down until it ended. In fact, I tried that route to no avail. So why couldn't I just ignore my discomfort? Because it seemed ignoring it only made it worse, rather than going away, it became a constant, nagging, dull pain. 

I am reminded of a cartoon I watched on PBS when I was a child. It was about a boy who could pull a string whenever he wanted to avoid something. It could be a test he didn't study for, a fight with the neighborhood bully, his parents yelling, etc. He would pull the string and wind up somewhere in the future, quickly moving past and avoiding his discomfort. Ultimately, he was an old man, who felt as though he rushed through his life, and that in avoiding discomfort, he also missed out on a lot of good times. For some reason, that story stuck with me, and in moments of discomfort, I would think of it. The lesson in that story is huge, maybe even bigger than I realized at the time. You see, the lesson is about being present, facing discomfort, allowing yourself to feel, and growing because of it. It is also a reminder that riding through an uncomfortable time, does not mean there is no joy to be found. 

I would not be the person that I am today had I not experienced discomfort. Discomfort has taught me more about myself, than anything else in world. Allowing myself to feel pain, also allowed me to fully feel joy and happiness, and to be present. As tempting as it is to wish discomfort away, I'd suggest you sit down and make friends with discomfort. Find out what discomfort can teach you, and if you allow it, it will help you grow! 

For those of us who have overcome struggle, loss, and defeat, we know the power and the beauty that lie in overcoming. I have been knocked off my feet by the pain. I have prayed and wished the pain away. I have cried myself to sleep at night. I have been so tired that when it was time to finally go to bed at night, my whole body ached right along with my heart. Slowly, bit by bit, I climbed my way out of despair. When I finally took a moment to breathe and assess how far I had come, I was amazed. Somehow, some way, I got through it, and along the way I earned some "superpowers". It was only then that I realized that the hard times in my life, shaped me into the person I am today. 

The first superpower I earned was resiliency. There is a silent, non-assuming power that fuels resiliency, that helped me realize that I was capable of getting through and overcoming, much more than I gave myself credit for. I call this a superpower because it has completely changed how I approach challenges. It gave me a confidence in my ability to overcome that I never would have deemed possible. 

My second superpower is empathy. As the quote above expresses, when you intimately know pain, you recognize it quickly and easily. Almost as though you have the x-ray vision of Superman. I can see pain and I know what feeds it, and conversely, I know what starves it. This empathy and this ability to guide others through it, is what prompted me to become a therapist. It drives all that I do in the the therapy room. It drives the compassion, unconditional positive regard, and non-judgemental stance that is necessary to do great work. My clients feel it, they know I know pain, they know I "get it". 

This leads me to my third superpower, transparency. My struggles have left me with a "what you see is what you get" attitude. I do not have the energy to pretend anymore. I no longer see the importance of perfection. I realize that some of the greatest parts of me stem from my imperfections. This superpower has left me feeling free. I no longer have to pretend. I no longer have to care about what people think of me, and most importantly, I get to proudly present my authentic self. I am literally free to be me. This is another superpower I use in the the therapy room. People can feel when someone is being genuine. When seeking therapy, people crave someone who is genuine and authentic. Outside of the therapy room, this superpower has enabled me to connect to more people on a deeper level. 

I earned every one of these superpowers and I proudly use them whenever I can. I type this as I puff out my chest and imagine a big S across it. I understand the tremendous amount of growth that comes from pain. This growth has changed the filter in which I view the world. At times, I wish I could take the pain away, but I find solace in knowing that from great pain, came greater growth and amazing superpowers. 

In honor of International Women's Day, one of my favorite feminists, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, posted this quote on Facebook, "Never speak of marriage as an achievement", followed by #WeShouldAllBeFeminist. I was immediately taken aback. You see, I am a strong woman, and I come from a long line of strong women, and I am proud of that, but I am equally proud of who I am as a wife. I am very proud to say that marriage is one of my greatest achievements.

My husband was paralyzed in a diving accident five years ago, and the wife/woman/mother that I have had to be to get us through these last five years, is the epitome of a feminist! I am all for female empowerment. I am all for equal rights, both socially and economically, but we are going to a very dangerous place if we start prescribing to the idea that you cannot be both an amazing wife AND a feminist. In a previous blog post, I spoke about the importance of connection, and I fear that ideas like this, jeopardize connection. We are headed towards this extremely individualistic society, that places importance on how well we do in our careers, how many degrees we have,  and other external successes, while deemphasizing the importance of the connections and relationships we build. A recent 75 year Harvard study looked at what it takes to live a happy and fulfilled life. They tracked a diverse group of people, some well to do, and others not so well to do, and they found that the key to  fulfilled life was CONNECTION. At the end of the day, money, careers, possessions, etc. were not fulfilling. It was all about the quality of relationships. 

As a feminist, I would like to empower women to include being a wife and/or mother, along with other achievements, as a equal part of their definitions of themselves. Who we are and what we must do as wives, deserves an equal place on that list! Brag about who you are as a wife AND what a boss you are at work. The beauty of feminism is that it empowers women to be exactly who they choose to be. I choose to be a bomb wife, a fierce mother, AND strong woman. I do not have to pick, I can be all three! Creating and defining my family, is and will always be my GREATEST achievement. 

​

    Recently, I was researching best practices for treating addiction and I came across this phenomenal TEDTalk given by Johann Hari. (I will add the link to that talk below. ) In this talk he suggested that drug addiction was driven by the inability to connect.  He used Portugal as an example. They had a huge heroin problem and after trying the "American way" of punishing drug addicts, it did not get better. They decided to decriminalize addiction, and use the funds they would have used on prosecution, to invest in  job training. They wanted to give the addicts a reason to get up in the morning. Ultimately, it seemed what the addicts needed most, was to feel like a part of the community. They needed to feel connected. He proposes that, "The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection". That idea resonated with me, and as I thought about the addicts in my life, it made a of of sense. 
      The idea that connection could be such a powerful, healing aide in the treatment of addiction, made me wonder where else connection could serve as a healer. I immediately thought of race relations. A few years ago, I bought a house in an "up and coming neighborhood". I had this awesome neighbor who seemed to really connect to the young Black teenage boy who lived across the street from him. My neighbor and this boy, at first glance, did not seem to have a lot in common. My neighbor lived in a renovated house in the neighborhood, was a college graduate, had a good job; while this teenager was likely living in poverty, in a run down house in which he sometimes had to sleep on the porch because there was not enough room for him. For whatever reason they connected, and once that connection deepened, I noticed my neighbor seemed to gain insight and empathy about what it means to be a Black in America. I'm not sure he would have been able to gain this insight without this connection. What if everyone purposefully and intentionally sought to make a connection with someone, who at first glance, seemed nothing like them? It seems that this tiny push of connecting with just one other person, could be what we need to heal as a county. 
        I believe that connection extends beyond healing addiction and race relationships. I believe that connection is a powerful, often untapped, natural healer to many of the troubles we see in the world. Think about ways to connect with others. When you feel like withdrawing, choose to connect instead, and watch how healing connection can be. Reach out to those who do not want to connect, because connection is likely exactly what they need! Also check out this lovely video that illustrates how moving connection and inclusiveness can be: 

Here is the link to the TEDTalk I referenced: 

​https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong#t-859418

​